No Need for Iceman
by Mako-clb
Summary: This is a crossover of sorts with Tenchi Muyo. However, you don't need to know anything about that to read this.


Disclaimer: The X-characters who appear in this story are property of Marvel Comics. Tenchi Muyo belongs to Pioneer (I think) and lots of other people who are not me.

Author's Note: This story takes place sometime after Zero Tolerance, when the mansion was mostly repaired, but not completely. Otherwise, there is no specific time frame.

**No Need For Iceman**  
by Corina "Mako" Borsuk

"Hank! Yo, Hank! Where are you?!" Bobby Drake, the X-Man known as Iceman, was more than just a little annoyed at the moment. Hank rarely broke a promise, so Bobby had been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, now it had gone on too long. "Hank, if you don't show your fury blue hide right this second . . ."

"You will what?" Hank finished for him. When Bobby did not answer, Hank continued, "Well, my erstwhile companion, what dire emergency requires my attention?"

"The TV!"

"Excuse me? The what?" Hank asked with more than just a hint of incredulity in his voice.

"You promised yesterday that you'd fix the TV. Remember? At breakfast, I asked if you could fix it. You said you'd get to it right away."

"And what, pray tell, was I doing at the time? I suspect my attention was not entirely devoted to your request since I have no firm recollection of such a conversation."

"Well, I guess you were sorta distracted, but that's no excuse. Come on, Hank, please! You've just gotta fix the TV!"

"Your request is so earnest that I loath to disappoint you. However, the repairs to my laboratory must take precedence over the repair of a device that mainly serves to rot the proverbial gray matter."

"That means no, doesn't it?" Bobby asked, although he was already sure it did.

"I am afraid you are correct in your assumption."

********

Two hours and several cuts and electric burns later, the Iceman was hot under the collar because he still could not get the television to work. He had even gone so far as to read the manual, but still it refused to power up.

Mumbling mainly to himself, Bobby said, "If this doesn't do it, I give up." Then, he twisted the last two wires together, and begged, "Okay, come on little wires, do your thing."

There was a small spark as the wires touched. Bobby flinched at the slight burning sensation in his finger, automatically applying his powers to sooth the burn. Then, he sighed. All that work and the television still didn't work. But, then there was a slight humming. Bobby scrambled to the front of the television and was met with the sight of electronic snow, that glorious white fuzz that told him the television was up and running.

"Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!" As he shouted, Bobby began running in place and waving his hands above his head as if he were a football player that had just made a touchdown. Running around to the back of the television, he tweaked a few wires until he heard the wondrous sound of television characters speaking. Giddily running around to the front again, Bobby nearly fell over himself in excitement. What greeted his eyes was a full-color, stereo-sound cartoon. Immediately, Bobby reached for the dial, hoping to catch some Melrose Place or Buffy.

However, when he changed the channel, he was greeted with snow. Click. Snow. Click. More snow. Click. Static and noise, otherwise known as snow. Click. The one thing worse than Brady Bunch re-runs, snow.

Eventually, Bobby had surfed through all the available channels, or at least he assumed he had since he was back at the cartoon he had started on. At first, he flopped down on the coach in defeat, but he sat up a few seconds later. So what if it wasn't Baywatch, it was a televison show, and he used to watch cartoons all the time as a kid. This might turn out okay.

********

"Ha, ha, ha!"

"What are you doing, idiot?" growled what Bobby decided was the very unpleasant voice of the mansions newest resident, Marrow.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm watching this really funny show," he said uncertainly, a bit wary of the highly aggressive, far-from-pleasant mutant. Not, of course, that that stopped him from talking. "It's about this guy who has all these really hot alien babes who want him, but he's too nerdy to do anything about it. I mean, no guy in his right mind wouldn't take advantage of a situation like that. I sure would."

"What girl in their right mind would want a weakling like you? Maybe I should just put you and everyone out of their misery."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Bobby replied, his attention drawn back to the show by the image of the alien with the spiky blue hair dragging the boy on a date, literally. Heck, she even had him tied up.

Bobby never noticed as Marrow left him in disgust.

********

Bobby Drake could not quite remember when this particular television show had started or what exactly it was, but he was enjoying it anyway. Even so, he was wondering if he could make it to the next commercial before making a quick run to the kitchen for a snack when Storm wandered in.

"Why, hello Lord Robert."

Bobby glanced up at Storm's unusual greeting, and had to take a second look. As always, Storm looked beautiful and regal, but there was something almost shy and, well, strange about the way she was looking at him. Not to mention that whole "Lord" thing, which was sort of flattering, but weird.

"Hey, Storm. Is something wrong?"

"Not at all, Robert. I was just wondering if you might like to take a walk with me." As she spoke, Bobby could have sworn she was blushing, although her dark skin made it hard to tell.

"Um, well, I guess," he replied nervously.

"That's wonderful," she replied, her eyelids fluttering almost flirtatiously. "Shall we go?"

"Hold on just a second there your goddess-ship," demanded a female voice.

Turning around, Bobby saw a beautiful woman with spiky green hair floating just a few inches above the floor. "Lorna?!?" Bobby croaked out, not quite believing the sight of his former girl-friend and one-time fellow X-Man Polaris in a slinky dress with what looked like a tail coming out of the back.

"What?!? When?!? Why are you here?!?" Bobby stuttered in complete surprise, both at Lorna's unexpected arrival and appearance.

Setting herself down on the floor next to him, Lorna pressed herself against Bobby as completely as she could. She began to run her fingers through his hair as she said, loud enough for Storm to hear, "Why, I'm here to rescue you, Bobby. I would never abandon you to that stuck-up witch."

"Stuck-up WITCH!! How DARE you call me that!?! And, if Lord Robert needs rescuing from anyone, it's you, you, you scandalous woman!" Storm practically screeched. Then, as Bobby watched in concern bordering on panic, little spots of ball lightening formed around Storm, each connected by a little lightening bolt like some kind of strange power grid.

Bobby could only sputter nonsensically as Storm marched angrily towards him. With each step Storm took, Lorna pressed herself closer to Bobby, seeming to delight in making the former goddess even angrier. Then, Lorna leaned even closer, if that were possible, and stage-whispered in his ear, "You're not going to let her get away with that, are you? You won't let her talk to your lover that way, will you?"

"Lover?!?" Bobby exclaimed at the same time Storm shouted, "Hussy!"

Then, next thing he knew, all Hell broke loose. Lightening bolts were flying everywhere, and any object with even the smallest bit of metal was being flung around the room. Bobby tried desperately to form an ice-shield to protect himself while screaming at the top of his mental voice for help. Unfortunately, neither seemed to be working, as lightening struck his shield and flung him back into the overturned sofa, and no one came to answer his cry for help. Or, at least not the people he expected.

Just when Bobby was sure he was in for serious pain from a bevy of very sharp knives flying his way, they fell as if they had hit a wall. He looked up to see Cecilia Reyes standing over him.

"I guess it's a good thing I was looking for you, huh? But, that's just because I knew where you were, Lorna and Storm couldn't be far behind, and I need them for an experiment."

"An experiment?" Bobby asked hesitantly, not sure if he liked the strange gleam in Cecilia's eyes, and still aware of the battle ragging just outside her force field.

"Yup! I want to test my new invention," she replied with very un-Cecilia-like chipperness in her voice.

A large boom drew Bobby's attention back to the destruction of the living room just in time to hear Lorna shout, "Bobby is mine and you can't have him! Got it?!" as she launched another attack.

"Storm, Lorna, please, stop. This is crazy! You . . ."

Bobby was cut off when Cecilia placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't stop them. I need all that energy to test the new energy amplifier and conversion matrix I just invented. These two are the perfect test subjects."

"Energy what?!?" Bobby asked, head swinging back and forth to look at Cecilia and the ever escalating battle, where despite all the damage, neither woman seemed to be really injured, yet.

"Energy amplifier and conversion matrix," Cecilia said again, using that tone of voice Hank sometimes did when Bobby did not understand things.

"Um, since when do you invent stuff? I mean, I thought you were a doctor."

"I do, and I am. I am the greatest inventor and mad-scientist doctor the universe has ever seen!"

Bobby was grateful he was still sitting on the floor or otherwise he would have fallen down from what he saw next. Two small puppets that looked just like Cecilia, but with the letters "A" and "B" on them, suddenly appeared on Cecilia's shoulders.

"Yes! Cecilia is the greatest!" shouted A.

"She can do anything!" cheered B.

As if she didn't even notice the talking puppets on her shoulders, Cecilia pulled a rather large metal device out from behind her back - Bobby couldn't help but wonder how she had hidden it without him noticing considering its size - and set it on the ground. With a flourish, she pressed a large red button on the top, but nothing happened.

Bobby's attention was brought back to the battle between his teammate and former girlfriend when Lorna shouted, "That's it your goddess-ship, now you're gonna get it!"

Then, Bobby watched in relieved surprise as Lorna raised her hands into the air and nothing happened. Of course, no one was quite as surprised as Lorna herself, who just stood there staring at her hands.

Everything was unnaturally quite for a few moments until Cecilia announced in an artificially high-pitched voice, "I've done it again!"

At first, Bobby was not sure he even wanted to turn and see what had the doctor so excited, but curiosity got the better of him. When he did look, Cecilia stood towering over him, her head tilted up as she laughed maniacally - Bobby had heard enough villains laugh maniacally to recognize it when he heard it - while confetti fell around her. It was both cute and creepy, sending chills up the Iceman's spine.

"Done what?" Bobby asked with more than a little fear.

"Isn't it obvious?" Cecilia replied in a voice that said it should be. "I've created a device that absorbs violent energy. That is, energy used for violent means."

"But, Miss Cecilia, why would you want to do that?"

The question was asked by someone with what was probably one of the most chipper and cheerful voices Bobby had ever heard. It was not a fake cheerfulness either, but a sort of innocent-sounding sweetness. Considering that, Bobby was beyond astonished to find that the person speaking was none other than Marrow, one of the least innocent and least cheerful people he knew. So, really, it was no wonder his jaw dropped to the floor. And, when you add in the fact she was wearing a dress with a big bow in the back and had her hair done up in two pink pigtails, Bobby considered himself lucky he managed not to pass out from shock.

"Yeah, why would ya wanna do that?" Lorna chimed in, obviously angry at Cecilia for putting a stop to the fight.

"Well, obviously she did it to stop you from destroying the house. I mean, you are THE most violent person I know. That is if you can be called a person," Storm said in her calm goddess-type voice, adding just enough haughtiness to be extra insulting.

"Oh yeah, and who was it that was tossing lighting bolts around, huh? Get off your high horse your goddess-ship!"

"Why, you slut!"

"Oh, yeah, let's go. I don't need powers to beat you. I can just BEAT you to pieces!"

To Bobby's disappointment, the previous fighting continued. The only saving grace was that this time Lorna and Storm were reduced to hair pulling and scratching instead of magnetic and lightning attacks. Not sure what to do, or if he even should do anything, Bobby hung his head and sighed. He didn't understand what was going on one little bit, and he was beginning to think he never wanted to. And, that was when the bombshell dropped, literally.

"So, Miss Cecilia, why was it you wanted to absorb violent energy again?" Marrow continued, as if the fight between Lorna and Storm wasn't even happening.

"Why, so I could amplify and convert it into explosive energy that would detonate with the force of an atomic bomb, but without the radiation." Cecilia said it so matter-of-factly, that at first Bobby was sure he had heard wrong, but then she continued. "When the device reaches maximum capacity, it will explode. Fortunately, since neither Lorna nor Storm are using their powers right now, there shouldn't be a problem."

Suddenly, both the weather-witch and the mistress of magnetism stopped fighting. They looked at Cecilia and screamed in unison, "But, I was trying to!"

"Oh dear."

BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

********

"Lord Robert, are you all right?"

"He'll feel better if you let me take care of him."

"Oh, as if you could take care of Lord Robert better than I could."

"Why, your goddess-ship, I didn't know you knew what a man needed."

"You know very well I didn't mean it that way. I'm not like you, hussy."

"What's wrong with being like me? At least I know how to give Bobby what he wants!"

"Lord Robert would never want someone like you!"

Bobby moaned, but Storm and Lorna were so busy bickering, they never noticed. He opened his eyes for the first time since the explosion, even though he had been conscious before now. It wasn't that he enjoyed being sprawled out on the floor. It was just that as long as he had his eyes closed, he would not have to face what was going on. Unfortunately, it was really difficult to ignore Lorna and Storm when they went at it.

And, it really was a good thing he decided to open his eyes just then, Bobby supposed, because he noticed that things were not looking good. Green energy was crackling between Lorna's hands while balls of lightening formed around Storm. Since the two women were still too busy fighting over Bobby to actually notice him, he took the opportunity to slither away - yes, actually slither backwards, since he was afraid they would notice if he actually sat up - to a safe distance.

Bobby was so concerned with not drawing attention to himself, that he failed to notice what he was backing into and collided with something. Turning around, Bobby noticed the something was actually someone, or two someones to be exact. Kneeling on the floor was Hank, wearing his glasses and slowly sipping something from a strange-looking mug. Sitting next to him was Marrow.

Marrow turned a brilliant smile on Bobby as she poured Hank another drink from a teapot. "Oh, Bobby, you're awake."

"Yeah, but what happened? Is everybody else okay?"

"I think so," Marrow replied. "Miss Cecilia managed to hit some switch on her machine that transported it outside before it exploded."

Shaking his head at the pure weirdness of the whole situation, Bobby couldn't believe what was going on. Still, he felt the need to ask, "So what was that explosion, and did everybody else get out okay?"

"That explosion was caused by Lorna and Storm," Cecilia said in a tone much like a teacher might use to give a lecture. "Once I teleported my device outside, it stopped absorbing their violent powers. Unfortunately, I couldn't prevent the energy amplifier and conversion matrix from overloading, so it still exploded. What a waste of a great invention."

"But, what happened to the others?!? Are they okay?" Bobby asked, panicked at the thought that all the other X-Men might be dead.

"Don't worry, Bobby," Marrow chimed in. "Lorna managed to contact Lockheed and get him to transform and teleport everyone on board before the machine exploded. Everyone's fine."

"What about the mansion?"

"Oh, I saved the mansion by using my instant shrinking machine, which I just happened to be carrying. See, the mansion is right here," Cecilia said proudly, holding out her hand to display a very tiny mansion.

"Ack!" was all Bobby could manage, that is until those little puppets appeared again and started raving about Cecilia's genius. Then, he managed to groan and smack his forehead in disbelief.

It was at that moment that something Marrow said sunk in. "Since when is Lockheed here? And, since when can he teleport?"

"Where else would Lockheed be, except maybe in the garden eating carrots?" Marrow asked, looking a bit concerned.

"Meow."

"What was that?" Bobby asked, looking in panic for whatever had made the cat-like noise that seemed to come from all around them.

"That was Lockheed, of course," Marrow answered. Turning to Cecilia, she asked, "Are you sure Bobby's okay, Miss Cecilia?"

"Well, he does look a bit pale, but Nurse Cecilia can fix him right up," Cecilia said in that high pitched voice, just as she pulled a rather large needle from out of nowhere.

Just then the fight between Lorna and Storm became a little more violent, resulting in several lightning bolts and magnetic force beams hitting the inside of the Blackbird.

"Meow! Meow! Meow!!!"

"Lorna, Storm, stop it!" Marrow begged, running over to the two women to try and break up the fight.

"I'll have to leave the nursing until later," Cecilia said calmly, turning towards Lorna and Storm. "Right now I think I need to cobble together a cage to keep those two apart."

"MEOW!!!! MEEEEEEOOOOOOW!!!!"

The Blackbird lurched, and Bobby could feel the craft begin to plummet down to what was probably going to be a very hard landing. He looked to Hank, who was still calmly drinking his tea and shouted, "Hank, we have to do something. We're gonna crash!"

Hank did not even look at Bobby. He just poured some tea into an empty cup and said, "Calm down Bobby. Why don't you join me for a cup of tea?"

"How can you think of tea at a time like this?!?!"

A magnetic energy bolt blasted Bobby back before Hank could answer. That was shortly followed by a lightning bolt that almost turned him into burnt toast. He heard Marrow screaming, "Lockheed, pull up, pull up. I'll give you a basket full of carrots if you pull up!"

********

The X-Man known as Iceman shot up in terror, not because of any enemy attack, but because of one of the weirdest dreams he had ever had. He decided then and there that, despite what he had said earlier to Marrow, two hot alien babes, or any powerful women at all, fighting over him was not necessarily a good thing. Then he remembered the way Lorna had been all over him in his dream and decided that it might not be all bad either.

Now that he was fully awake, Bobby noticed that the show which had prompted his dream was over. It was too bad, too. He had liked those four episodes he saw and was hoping it was some sort of marathon. The good news was, there was another cartoon on, and this one was just starting. This one had lots of action, if the opening was any indication. The theme song had a catchy tune, too. If only he could pick out more of the lyrics than "Just wild beat communication," he could sing along.

_The End_  


_**More Author's Notes:**_ Even though it should have been obvious which X-character was which Tenchi character in Bobby's dream, I'm including a cast sheet below.

Bobby "Iceman" Drake - Tenchi Masaki  
Ororo "Storm" Monroe - Princess Ayeka  
Lorna "Polaris" Dane - Space-pirate Ryoko  
Cecilia Reyes - Washu  
Sarah "Marrow" - Princess Sasami  
Lockheed/Blackbird - Ryo-ohki  
Hank "Beast" McCoy - Katsuhito/Lord Yosho

_And, a special thanks to Skyrocket for suggesting the Katsuhito cameo._  



End file.
